Twenty-two, recent college grad, writer, world explorer, dog lover, literature devourer, intellectual, music maven, soul delver.

I say good-bye every day when I think
of all the moments – now missing –
I could’ve tucked myself into your
mahogany knots; you lay yourself
below me and I used your smooth edges,
the stain of you might have rubbed
onto the whites of my t-shirts
with their smeared ink intermittent
like my skin – emblems marking me
a physical timeline I can trace
back to when I wrote truths by the hour.
Not now, Now: I fear the candor
that sits right below my fingertips;
I avoid it by making them busy
with lesser things, like thinking of you
when we sat and drank Chinese beer
under soft lighting and cobweb décor
other people watching, wondering
if that is what loneliness always looks like

I wish I could share more of my writing with you at the moment, but the problem is that I’m in the middle of a huge creative non-fiction project, and it’s really personal (and I haven’t changed any names yet haha) and I’m not even 1/1000th of the way done. So, I’m sorry for being a sucky writer right now. Enjoy my reblogs for a while.

I walk in and look for the body
the six-stem vase must be hiding
something; pollen-nubs picked upon opening
my nose spared the sneeze to inhale
the noxious honey fumes: is this
the smell of gas in Auschwitz? If lilies grew
in the windowsills, under the floors
would camp smell differently?
Toxic is toxic, no matter the flavor

I cannot find the body
or bodies. Instead: scattered scraps:
dead skins - flakes of my past selves
with different hometowns
(Pekin Springfield Cairo London Chengdu)
who all scratched each other away
and I burn the flakes before
they’re dust balls, my ashes hang-gliding
coating Poland like a fine, feathery snow

I will give up the search
and ride my own whiskey rails
to Auschwitz where I’ll plant lilies
in the open soil - the stench
won’t be contained, it will meander
learn to hide lingering smells

the truth is heavy
and honesty is pricy
but people back away
hide under their heavy skins
they cower and crouch
between parked cars
in desolate parking lots
where tumbleweeds might
have roamed if not for the
cold metal fences keeping
everything out that’s a little
buoyant, a little bit less tied
to the terra firma

i’ve been tracing jagged lines
in rough sands that feel
just like your chilly rejection
when you turned away
and i had to put me
back into a single piece
back into something human
and my jagged lines
are remembrances
of what i was with you
gone; i like to make
my fingers numb from work
the sand dug under my nails
into my flesh and i can’t feel
it at all, like a sweet nothing
whispered from the earth
to my fingertips, like so much
of what you said and did
that really meant nothing.

the wick burns thin
close to the bottom
of my hand, the start
symphonic heartbeat
is wavering in time
with the flame
and the drafty air

someday i will lick
my fingers and shush
the flame on my own—
black wick will leave
ash on my pale fingers

it’s nothing i can stop
until i know why it burns
because i burn too
all over i feel heat:
jostled in my footsteps
kneading in my arched back
tingling in my gums

heat isn’t angry red
and fire doesn’t scold flesh
think of stars – warm
white and illuminative
they’re prayers and wishes

we’ve learned we’re water
but we’re made of fire
big bang leftovers
all of us are stardust

so if i extinguish flames
because they don’t burn
quite bright enough for me
it seems a bit like murder

all the wicks will burn thin
and our symphonic heartbeats
waver in time with the flames
and we will be stardust again

i can still hear the train whistles
and my thoughts from back then
wondering if that was dad coming
back; his prickly pewter mustache
rubbed vibrantly against my babyfat
cheeks during nicotine hugs
the choooochoooo was a lullaby
because today was safe: coal
trains were coming home

the library books in illinois
are festooned with oils
from silly fingers, sunk
into the pages with perfect
destruction—like shiva
who destroys and creates
instantaneously—now
those scorching prints
come alive and follow
the words on their own

there was fire in the water
where i dipped my fingers to anoint
myself in the name of the father
son and holy ghost; the Family
and my family all saw me let
the fire die, but now embers
still rekindle and glow

yesterday seems tame
in my memories like butane:
their afterlife is the difference
between evolution and revolution,
one twenty-sixth of the alphabet
a tongue flick to the mouth’s roof
just one sound
and the memories are meant to
grow
destroy
change
            everything together

i just want someone to bring me a mug of flowering tea
and a blanket that leaves fuzzies on my clothes
and stay with me until we’re both warmer
than we were before we knew each other

it’s not homesickness
it’s lovesickness
            in the same way
            i’ve been missing it:
            conversations over the phone
            hugs
            talking over our lives on couches
            short flights to see you
love is never the same
from twelve-thousand miles away
i can’t cry on your shoulder with skype
(because my computer might get the wrong idea
if i tried to snuggle the screen emblazoned with your face)
to tell you how much i miss you – fuck
i spend more time missing people
than enjoying them
and you’d think i did it on purpose
that i want more lovesickness
that i like this stupid poison
and maybe all that’s true and i’m delusional
and maybe you don’t miss me like i do you

we live our incredible lives so far apart
and the braid is starting to loosen into waves

i think i am made
of unanswered questions
and other people’s
discarded daydreams

a man has never told me he loves me
but a stranger has said to me
i’ll probably try to do it again
the evidence of his first failure
bandaged
stared, narrowed its eyes, challenged
me to say something to stop him

clurngh. it was the sound of my bowels
seizing; i was mute, a vegetable
i wasn’t there anymore

massachusetts, february 2012:
one full bottle of ambien, pills clattering,
flipping in one hand; wads of soaked
tissues seeping in the other; door
locked; face melted; weeks of dirty
laundry and undone work in piles;
me       in       piles

i’ll probably try to do it again
i am a guppy
a plainclothes priest listening
to confessions, giving no absolution
but bestowing last rites

i had all the words in my pockets
but i let him drink his wine and babble
as my mouth dried out
my words flaked away like dead skin

he left — my humanity tasted
like a vinegar-151 cocktail

i.
this body has a history—
as most nouns do, and likewise
it doesn’t relish sharing: you must read
decode the treasure map, x
might not mark the spot
but following freckles may lead somewhere

ii.
rain caresses the cerulean lake
(gentle gesture that’s naughtier
than it seems) and eases into the water
like a casual stranger you just met five vodka
sodas ago, and the fluorescent algae atop the water
doesn’t seem to mind the acidic rain
which glows just as it hits the bright lagoon;
this must happen all the time, coming and go-
ing, drops here and there – misting – then
stopping before returning again without notice
or invitation. the blue seems deeper,
reflective, clearer, confident alone:
but neon when it rains

iii.
there is nothing cute about curves of fingernails
when they’ve been bitten (it all started in the fourth
grade spelling bee), but there is something to that scar
just there: shaped like a v – metal. snip. crimson:
cutting pine, the best smell, like the forest growing
along the lake in the valley where poems grow;
the bandage wasn’t enough – should’ve had stitches
but there’s something about pride in going through
ten band-aids in a single hour

iv.
the crowd has gathered to witness
beauty at its peak, this body of water
transparent and naturally the color of dyed
easter eggs; the lake ought to feel pleased
so admired, so many new friends and guests
after thousands of centuries: nearly solitary
existence, only the stony-face mountain
to talk to, and what a bore to be immovable
it’s always been obvious: the lake wants to dance

v.
nonverbal communication is very important
so crossed arms mean i don’t want
to talk, to move, to see, to dance
(or just that this is comfortable)
common misconception: the quiet
have nothing to say and rest their words
in the nooks and crannies of their crossed arms—
i would much like to speak to you
about the way oranges smell and how wind
is only a good thing about twenty-seven
percent of the time and i love to stretch
out on uncut grass and feel my back
mold against the earth like it’s some mattress
we could never hope to replicate; but
you should know all of this by the way
i’ve crossed my arms—isn’t that telling?

vi.
napping must be the favored pastime
of the water; what else would it love
to do in mid-morning, afternoon, evening?
maybe it makes wakefulness so much
the more enticing ember to glow brighter;
as a flame flickers, the lake’s edges lap
at the grass calmly, eternally, even as it sleeps
just to remember who it is: i am the lake
here are my boundaries, ever-changing

vii.
clavicles and patellae are scandalous
(if you really consider their curves
and how intimately they move with muscles)
and skeletons and skin are nothing
made for shame, this kind of malleable
thing that is you but not you;
corporeal outlines exist and so we do
we reach and touch, just to remember
that we are: i am. i am here. i am ever-changing.

chinese siesta is an excuse to drink tea
alone in my broken apartment
where i listen to sound of the construction
site across the street, my open window
is a breathless thing - caught off guard
by its foreign attendant, so it lets the bugs
in through holes i can’t plug up—
i kill a roach or two in the bathroom
or kitchen, wondering if they saw it coming
if i’m the great plague, if the roach
motel has been chanting: ashes, ashes
we all go squish! because i feel remorse
for my holocaust, quiet extermination:
scratchy tissue balled in my tightened
fingers - then - quick! dead,
it doesn’t take much to kill, but the weight
of murderous breezes comes every
afternoon, when I’m putting off sleeping
to favor caffeinated contemplation
so I don’t dream about faceless you
again - we sat together in the rain
at the park, discussing whitman, oliver,
eliot - and my impressionistic park
like seurat’s fades with every sip of floating
flower tea; i squish man-with-no-identity
until he’s
ashes, ashes.

Sometimes I wonder if there’s a difference in seeing the world and seeing the people who inhabit it. I’m starting to see so much more of our earth, and I’ve observed many more of its citizens, but I can’t say that I’ve gotten to really know many more of them. There’s a difference between understanding or simply knowing a person, and I feel like the difference has just become more pronounced the more I walk, the more that I don’t talk to people, but just watch them go about their everyday lives. This is the problem with being an introvert: I can always gather information about others, I can see and make keen observations, I can be okay with not saying a single word all day, but it leaves me looking like loner to everyone else.

I’m not unapproachable, I promise. I’m not judging you when I see you. I just like to watch you, to get to know you better than you might know yourself.

So if you see me on the streets and I don’t say hello, don’t be afraid to say it first. It’s not that I don’t want to or that I haven’t already thought about you - I just can’t summon the courage to start a conversation.

Left right right left dead
end turn around left left
behind by the right train
of thought, carrying coal
and revulsions, it left
macabre tracks in its wake
up from the nightmares pawning
pleasantness for machetes cutting
down all old insecurities
holding praise for a high
ransom my neurons will never
afford to stop turning right
over inevitable and tangled speed
bumps called ideas that may
never amount to anything except
damaged undercarriages and a left
brain perception of right
and wrong, the grey area
no match for grey matter—
no corpus callosum can predict
the life of the corpse-to-be, it
only connects commiseration
of logical aloneness with
creative ambiguity, license
to drive in the frontal state
revoked for speeding, rushing
hours for a moment in the parietal
right stimuli fed brilliantly
colorful in grey – the green
brain recycles what’s left
of the conscious; my id
screams for emancipation
while the cerebrum jails
him without tolerance
as warden ego writes
poetry on the rocky beaches
hoping cliffs above flounder
and break and mold right
in front of him, because
accidental masochism
is a healthy medium
fry and large shake:
positive reinforcement looms
over waistbands while
shrinking scalps wither
to match the two halves
they hide and seek
among the synapse
hedges so high I cannot
dream to climb but can
only scoff and wonder at
until ivy dendrites prickle
my ears and I can hear
what’s left of the last wave
tumbling right into canal
from hollow shell, and the mind
is quite like that evacuated
crustacean home, isn’t it?